being aspirational...

in the commercial industry there is something called an aspirational model. this being a woman or man who looks "regular" enough by industry standards but also one that all the truly regular people of the world wish they could look like.

so, I figure it naturally stands to reason that there are also jobs out there for the opposite type. take, for example, the Weight Watchers audition I was sent out on the other day. my manager sheepishly called me and asked if this is something I would even consider doing - "it's a only a demo, they won't even tell me how much it pays, blah, blah, blah, so if you don't want to do it it's ok."

no, no, fair lady, I'm doing it! for I'm not only trying to embrace my current physical shape but I'm also now required (by my sugar daddies over at the Department of Labor), to keep an actual log of all my futile attempts at getting work in this economy. so my answer is an emphatic "yes!" I don't even bother asking her what side of the diet I'm supposed to be on - I figure it'll become apparent as soon as I get there.

"business casual", she says (which basically means don't look like a slut or surfer). so I scoured my closet for anything left that remotely fits and is not either a halter, maxi dress or pair of sweats and headed over to the audition.

when I got there, I rode the elevator with a fairly broad-beamed girl who pressed the button for the same floor. she refused to meet eyes with me to share the "yes, I'm auditioning for a weight loss commercial, guess if I'm the before or after?" face, but instead ran ahead of me to beat me to the sign-in sheet. I think she may have burned two points doing that.

as I scanned the room to size up the competition, I thought - ok, I am totally the "before". I am TOTALLY the before! all the skinny Nancies from the fancy agencies are the "afters" and me and elastic-waist-Wendy are totally the befores. the Nancies are aspirational and we're...well, what are we exactly?

so, I try to own whatever it is I'm supposed to be but it's no use as I'm feeling quite alien as the softer side of Sears. I stand in front of the camera for a full length shot. remember: lean forward on the balls of feet to appear more inviting. tilt head down to look younger, up to look older. down head. down. and hold at a slightly three quarter angle to hide the hole from my nose ring and to highlight the impressive jaw I've been using to EAT THINGS.

ok, [Luvy], now we'll need you to do some profile shots. aw, fuck, I'm thinking, I didn't wear my Spanx. slamming my tongue against the roof of my mouth and sucking my gut in as hard as I can I turn sideways. right. left.

turn front to breathe.

ok, so now I need you to hold your cell phone and look really happy that you just lost two pounds in one week. two pounds? TWO pounds? is that all you think it would take to make me call someone on the phone and gush with excitement? not on your life. try TWENTY, sweetheart, and then you'll get a smile all the way back to my the gold crown I ground a hole into with the massive jaw I use to EAT THINGS.

but, I obeyed and started mouthing into the phone "I'm so excited I lost two pounds...this is just SOOOO exciting!"

the casting lady, who is all of about 90 pounds herself and has NO IDEA how annoying it is to be overpadded says "yeah, maybe the miming into the phone is not working. just smile and hold the phone to your ear."

good, cuz this face don't lie, my skinny sister.

and then, in an attempt to at least decide my fate as the inevitable before, I thank them and add "ha ha, two pounds in one week would be a fucking miracle!" to which she laughed dismissively in return.

imagine my horror when, a few days later, I'm looking at the breakdowns and I find the original casting notice:

WEIGHT WATCHERS ON CAMERA DEMO (1-2 DEMOS)

SEEKING:
[FEMALE] CAUCASIAN ONLY - Real, but aspirational.

needless to say I did not get chosen. it's ok. reeeeally, it's ok - for I got my biggest reward in coining an all-new commercial adjective for myself:

fat•spi•ra•tion•al
(adjective)
providing or showing fat you wish you looked this good in:
that girl was mad fatspirational - she wasn't even wearing Spanx!